kamianya: (Default)
[personal profile] kamianya
Well, I am in class, watching stupid movie, and feeling reflective.

I've been hanging out at RPI again, having grown tired of missing my friends in order to avoid my ex. This means--seeing as how about half of the people I most want to see basically include his bromance, his bromance's girlfriend, his roommate, and a bunch of other mutual friends that are often around his room--that it is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid him. (I mean, last night I was with two of them in a completely different room, and he came and joined us.) Which means it's really weird. I'm mostly okay, I am. Venting has helped, and I've done a lot about it. Realizing it needed to end before he actually broke up with me really helped. But actually seeing him? I get twinges of anger and sadness and even attraction, and it's WEIRD. It's also tempting to come out and tell him, "look, I'm really not ready to deal with you yet," but that could mean actually having a confrontation, which could quickly escalate to major drama right now; or it could mean not getting to see my other friends. This is not acceptable. So hopefully gritting my teeth and bearing it will mean fully getting over it faster.

I do plan to confront him eventually, about a multitude of things, including my feelings about the breakup, why I'm upset with him about the breakup, and especially why I'm thoroughly pissed at him for the game he was co-editing and why I think the next run can't involve him unless he shapes the fuck up. Right now, though? Trying to confront any of the issues whatsoever will lead to probably me not being fully in control. So I'm waiting. More drama in the LARPing community is NOT needed, and I really don't want to cause any more myself.

On the other hand, I'm feeling good about myself for being able to deal with being around him, and I'm really glad I'm not letting it keep me away from my friends. His roommate told me that I'm pone of the most mature people he knows for it, and he's extremely glad I'm not going to disappear, as most girls he's known that he met through a friend as the friend's girlfriend has disappeared after a breakup, no matter how much they had integrated into the group. And I'm one of the few people in the group he knows that will share his sense of humor--he is fond of offensive jokes (totally in th spirit of humor, no mean intent behind any of them), and I have become extremely hard to offend with jokes. Also, I totally need to get him to a Brandeis area party at some point.

Anyways, yeah. That's my general state of confusion. I'm okay for the first time in my life with being almost single (I have two long distance relationships right now, far more casual things). I guess I'm not really asking for advice, but sorta am, but am not....
Yeah.
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kamianya

April 2011

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